Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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