Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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