I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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