Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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