he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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