I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
