we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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