Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
