girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
