I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
