She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
