Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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