girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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