I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
