Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Is Oprah even human
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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