I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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