I wanna bring you to show and tell
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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