There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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