I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem