Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.