wrigley field is MILF paradise
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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