I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
NoShamevember. You game?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
