i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
