Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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