My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
