i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
