and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
