Michael Bay diarrhea
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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