I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
