Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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