Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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