I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
