I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
