just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
