It was confusing and full of hummus
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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