When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
