Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
