respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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