I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
