3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
