I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
why do cheetos always look like penises
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just invented taco cereal.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
