Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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