Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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