I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
