I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
