Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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