if only i could text you this smell
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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