Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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