Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
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Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
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You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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