So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
