Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
