You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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