Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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