If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
