I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
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His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
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YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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