I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
