My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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