I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
